Random Jokes - Warning: Page may cause death due to laugher.
TELL ME WHAT IT IS
...Arnold Schwartenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
Liberace didn't use his with women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's...
What is it?
...A last name!
* * * * *
FOOTBALL PLAYERS AND MATH
A football coach walked into a locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play today since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you one math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked intently into his eyes and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me: What is two plus two?" The entire team held its breath while the player thought for a moment and then answered, "Four?" "Did you say four??" the coach exclaimed, excited that the player had gotten it right. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began yelling, "Come on, coach! Give him another chance!!"
* * * * *
CATS ARE SUBTLE
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." - Bruce Graham
"Insurance is a uniquely modern atrocity. At the dawn of man, there was no insurance. One either lived or died. There was no fast-grunting biped called "Homo Deductus" demanding a piece of your meat every month to guarantee that your fire wouldn't go out."
* * * * *
THE LAW OF HEAVENLY COMMUNICATION:
"If there really is a god who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle."
* * * * *
A PENNY
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to god.
"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, its about a minute."
The man asked, "How much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
* * * * *
"Wars over religion are ridiculous. You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
* * * * *
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
While working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment on time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Smith should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Branch Manager
A Second note following the report:
Mr. Smith was present while I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only alternate lines 1,3,5,7... for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
Branch Manager
* * * * *
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
* * * * *
Messages under consideration for the new Windows 2002:
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
This will end your Windows session. Would you like to play another game?
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
Runtime error at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
User Error: Please replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Netscape found. Remove it? (Y/Y)."
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software files have been deleted. The police are on their way.
* * * * *
From the Squawk Sheets - (squawk sheets are problem listings that military pilots generally leave for maintenence crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the worker once the problem is confirmed and/or fixed.)
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Test flight ok, except AutoLand very rough.
Solution: AutoLand not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
* * * * *
What NOT to saw to police officers who pull you over:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Are you Andy or Barney?
You're not gonna check the trunk, are ya?
Ok, so how many donuts is this gonna cost me?
* * * * *
Pick-Up Lines gone bad (oh yeah, baby! my specialty. ;-) )
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yeah, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Gee, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: so, your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Baby, if I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: Forget it. If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
* * * * *
Cat Commandments
Thou shall not ump onto the keyboard while thy human is on the modem.
Thou shall not unroll all the toilet paper off of the roll.
Thou shall not sit in front of the television as though thou art transparent.
Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shall remember, that fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 AM.
Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shall remember that thou art a carnivor, and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.
* * * * *
Natural Laws
The Law of Motivation:
Creativity is great, but plagerism is faster.
The Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The Law of Drunkenness:
You cannot fall off the floor.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings like programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
* * * * *
Washing Your Cat
The best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog that can be led to the tub with a trail of Kibbles 'n Bits.
Although your cat has the advatage of smarts, quickness, and a total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask, and welder's gloves.
2. A bathtub with a glass enclosure is prefered to one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No... blow-drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than necessary as you still have to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so that you can reach it even if you are face-down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nochalantly as if you were simply carrying him to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire: he barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of the cat is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
*Remember that cats have no handles, and the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than hell.
7. As best you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapaults through the air towards the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds that you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing: as he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, effectively rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about three times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass and will then use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your leg. We suggest here that you drain te tub and in full view of the cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done Step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure the cat is firmly wrapped in the towel before opening the tub enclosure. Open the bathroom door, put the towel-wrapped cat onto the floor, and step back quickly. We suggest stepping back into the tub, if possible, and do not open the enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about two hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will besitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting his revenge. But...he does smell better??
* * * * *
Haiku Error Messages
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
* * * * *
Computers vs. Automobiles
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving 25 dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon." Soon after, General Motors responded to this comment by stating, "Yes, but would you want your car to creak down twice a day?" and recent related comparisons such as...
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new 25 dollar car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no discernable reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Sometimes, exectuing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would just accept this too.
5. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then, you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
7. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades on their cars, which would make them run much slower.
8. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
9. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
10. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
* * * * *
News Release: New element discovered!
The heaviest element yet known to science was recently discovered by chemists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons nor electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. It does have, however:
1 neutron.
125 assistant neutrons.
75 vice neutrons.
111 assistant vice-neutrons.
This give Administratium an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves a continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. It can, however, be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to its discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would normally have occured in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal life-span of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tend sto concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Chemists warn that Administatium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions occuring where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage to society, but results to date are not promising.
* * * * *
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had only one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets into Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving Hell. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of that religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions in the world and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and pressure to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This yields the following two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a rate slower than the rate at which souls are entering Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. And of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will drop until Hell freezes over.
Then, which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account that I have still not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Number 2 cannot be true, and therefore Hell is exothermic."
This student got the only A.
* * * * *
Dads and Dating
When I was in high school, I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believed suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a god-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be a dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughtor's suitors feel even worse. My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets for permanent display in my living room.
Rule 1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be dropping something off, cause you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
Rule 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. I will, however, in order to assure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule 4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule 5. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
Rule 6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule 7. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies with chainsaws are ok.
My daughter claims it embarrases her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these seven simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrased too - there are only seven of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have the rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it, and the cost was prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ballpoint pen might be inadequate - ink washes off - and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
* * * * *
Sherlock Holmes and Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute, and then replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that thee are millions and millions of galaxies and essentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a moment, then siged, and spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some fucker has stolen our tent."
* * * * *
A prayer for the stressed:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Fridays.
And lastly, help me to remember, when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems like people are just trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!
As always, feel free to send me more jokes that you'd like to see up on this page!
camplvr@byteme.com
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