Grandmother Tree
It was a bitter night in winter, when the very stars seemed frozen and ready to crack out of
the sky like ice cubes from a tray. The earth lay under a blanket of snow, silent and
slumbering, and the air was thick with that which had not yet fallen to the ground. It
drifted slowly and heavily down, muffling any sounds there might have been. All was silent
and cold. That night, I suffered my own winter within.
We all fight the endless battle of young idealism versus old skepticism. Teenagers and
parents are on the front lines of this vicious war, and the battles can be brutal. The trouble
is, both sides are always right in a way, but neither can see the other's truth.
The battle on that winter night was no exception. Looking back, I can't remember what
the specifics of the episode were, but I remember well how I felt afterwards - angry,
helpless, torn, and empty, all at once. Broken, and left to seek refuge in the tatters of my
soul. In those dragging hours, I could find nothing to comfort me, and the pain kept
burning me away. My bright dreams for the future had been smothered by my parents'
irrational fear for safety and security - two things that I have never valued more than life
experience. I was empty.
That night, my dreams were as dead as Nietzsche's God, or so I thought. And like a
broken spirit with nothing more to lose, I felt no more limits inside of me. So out the
window I went, and stole silently off into the night.
The darkness was alive that frosty night, as my feet took me away and my mind followed
numbly. My spirit led her softly down the silent, sleeping street, past darkened windows,
snow-covered cars, and through pools of cold light from the humming street lamps. It was
that silent time of night when nature seems to have forgotten humans exist, and the wild
things are beginning to move in the shadows. And with the newfound silence of my mind,
a deeper part of me was beginning to move as well. My soul was awakening and
becoming aware of the energy around me, but the last remnants of ego-mind struggled to
stay in control. So I stumbled along the broken, icy pavement, disoriented, with one foot
in each world.
Inner vision drew me away from the street and into the silent woods. Silence...but no. The
trees were not silent, that night. They whispered softly in spirit's tongue - and my spirit
understood. All at once, my senses exploded into a glorious state of heightened
awareness, and with wonder I observed everything around me. The trees seemed to shine
with a light of their own, a milky silverness that shifted and danced before my eyes. It
seemed as if all of nature was watching me that night, and whispering all around me.
There was no malevolence present; that is purely a human emotion. As I walked through
the shining woods, I felt like I was being welcomed home to a soft chair and a warm fire.
But at the same time, I was trapped in a strange inner conflict - while my soul lightened
and knew that I was among friends, my mind stubbornly clung to its programmed fear.
Woods are dark and dangerous, my mind said. Be wary. But my soul said in return, This
is what you have so long been searching for. You should dance!
Indeed, forces were moving that were beyond me, and I was beginning to sense them. I
sensed also that nature has a great design that society cannot fathom; a purpose that
society lacks, and this realization sent a feverish excitement through my spirit. I had
awakened at last to a truth that had been there all along. I had been raised in a culture that
denies the power of these ancient forces; a culture that fights for control of everything and
has won only the illusion thereof. And yet I could sense them moving, accepting me; I
realized that I have a unique place in it all. Meanwhile, nature whispered to me softly, and
I walked on.
Something beyond me was directing my footfalls, and I knew not where I was going, but I
felt no fear. And when I saw her, I knew why I had been drawn this way. The conflict
inside me faded away like morning mist under the sun's first rays, peeking into a sleeping
mountain vale. When I saw her, standing proudly in her ancient, chiseled beauty, I knew
her. She seemed to beckon to me, and I felt suddenly like a small child being called into
mother's arms. Numb with wonder, I gently laid my hand upon her roughness, and
instantly her energy poured through the contact and into my emptiness. She gave it
gladly. As the energy flowed from the earth into me, I became truly aware of the vast
energy web of which we are each a thread. In an instantaneous revelation, I remembered
how to call that energy into myself, and I was brimming with love, and I knew that I
would never be empty again. In a moment both hands and both feet were upon the tree,
exploring her surface, and tears were falling from my eyes.
I climbed high and looked out upon the night. From this one tall tree, I could see a
thousand thousand dark branches all around, fading away into the horizon. The forest that
I had thought silent was in fact alive with animals moving, and spirit flickering through
everything. I settled into a nook between two branches and leaned into the security of the
tree. As my eyes followed the glowing moon, sliding softly across the dark expanse, I
noticed then that the sky is not actually black. It is a deep, calm blue; a hue darker than
the deepest ocean, and just as timeless. That peaceful night in nature's arms, I came to
know many things.
The forest was bathed in silver light. The stars shone out of the blue night sky like
moonbeams reflected on the ocean's waves. And suddenly, I realized that they no longer
seemed frozen, and my future no longer seemed hopeless. My dreams had been rekindled
by the love that nature gave me, a creature of her own, as I rested in the ancient arms of
her messenger. The tree became my grandmother that night. And although the night was
bitter, and I was lightly clad, not once in those hours did I feel cold. As the moon finished
her journey and pink dawn touched the sky, love kept me warm.
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